{"id":5025,"date":"2019-09-12T18:00:55","date_gmt":"2019-09-13T01:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/?post_type=portfolio&p=5025"},"modified":"2019-09-12T18:01:54","modified_gmt":"2019-09-13T01:01:54","slug":"teen-talk","status":"publish","type":"portfolio","link":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/gospel-express\/teen-talk\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Ways to Bring Light to Heated Talks with Teenagers"},"content":{"rendered":"

William P. Smith<\/p>\n

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Every parent I\u2019ve met has felt frustrated by repeatedly stumbling into difficult conversations with their teenage children. Those conversations seem to come out of nowhere, pack lots of energy, and leave everyone bruised and tiptoeing around each other . . . until the next one.<\/p>\n

I suspect hard conversations would take place even if we removed sin from the equation. By definition, teenagers are transitioning out of childhood. They\u2019re figuring out who they are, who they want to be, and how to handle greater independence and responsibility, all while still living in your home. You\u2019re both trying to redefine a relationship that should (rightly) no longer be what it was when they were younger. There\u2019s simply no way you both can navigate this process without at least some bumps and mutual learning along the way.<\/p>\n

While there\u2019s no surefire way to guarantee easier, better conversations with your child, there are some things you can do to help them see you as more of an ally than a threat during these defining years.<\/p>\n

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1. Not everything that goes through your mind should come out of your mouth.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Think before you speak. Proverbs has a lot to say about the words we choose, but it comes down to the wise person being careful with what they say, whereas the fool blurts out whatever comes to mind (Prov. 12:23). If what you\u2019re thinking really does need to be said, you can always bring it up later. If it\u2019s foolish, though, you can\u2019t get it back after it\u2019s left your mouth.<\/p>\n

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2. Don\u2019t interrupt or talk over your child.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t talk over them any more than you want them to interrupt and talk over you. It\u2019s the law of love: Do to them conversationally as you would have them do to you (Matt. 7:12). Somehow, it\u2019s easy to overlook Christ\u2019s command when speaking to our children\u2014to interact with them in ways we wouldn\u2019t dream of with someone we just met. Imagine your child as someone you respect; then talk to them accordingly.<\/p>\n

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3. Call yourself out when you\u2019ve disrespected them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your children already know when you are disrespectful, so let them know that you\u2019re also aware\u2014and that you\u2019re not okay with what you\u2019ve done. It\u2019s normal Christian life to confess our sins to each other (James 5:16), so I\u2019ve found it helpful to say out loud to my kids, \u201cI\u2019m yelling,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m interrupting,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m being condescending.\u201d<\/p>\n

How will they know what a good apology sounds like if they haven\u2019t heard many from you?<\/p>\n

You then need to apologize to them like you\u2019d want them to apologize to you. When you do, you\u2019re not only living faithfully before Christ, you\u2019re also helping them learn what to do when they say something wrong. How else will they know what a good apology sounds like if they haven\u2019t heard many from you?<\/p>\n

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4. Don\u2019t tolerate nastiness from them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t disallow nastiness simply because it\u2019s unpleasant for you, but because it\u2019s not good for them to treat an image-bearer of God that way. This is hard to do well. You must identify their attitude and insist it\u2019s not okay to talk to you like that\u2014all the while not reacting out of hurt or anger.<\/p>\n

How do you do all of that at the same time? Keep your focus on the danger they\u2019ve put themselves in with God by dishonoring their parent, and on how they\u2019ll benefit by hearing what you have to say. Making yourself think about what\u2019s best for your child will help you speak into these situations without supercharging them emotionally.<\/p>\n

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5. Let them know they can disagree with you without jeopardizing your relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n

You don\u2019t agree 100 percent of the time with any of your friends, so why would you expect to always agree with your kids? I\u2019m challenged by the words of Paul in Philippians 3:15: \u201cAnd if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t agree 100 percent of the time with any of your friends, so why would you expect to always agree with your kids?<\/p>\n

Paul isn\u2019t arguing that issues of morality are up for grabs; he\u2019s acknowledging that not every disagreement is a hill on which to die. True believers may have honest differences that God works out over time. If that\u2019s true in God\u2019s family, affirm to your children that it can happen in yours as well.<\/p>\n

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6. Use your words to build a positive relational context.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hard conversations create hurt and distrust, and cause people to walk away brooding over the ugliness of what just occurred. And these sour meditations inform what your child will say later, breeding additional hurtful interactions.<\/p>\n

Part of breaking this cycle involves creating a different environment, which starts with a different kind of meditation. That\u2019s why Paul urges us to think actively about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). Difficult as it may be, that\u2019s what must dominate our minds as we think about and talk with our children.<\/p>\n

So look for opportunities to say positive things to your child\u2014tell them something you like about them, ways you see them maturing, what they\u2019ve done well. Tell them you love them, again and again. Resolve to be more interested in them than you are irritated by them.<\/p>\n

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You Are Responsible for You<\/strong><\/p>\n

You\u2019re not responsible for your child\u2019s heart or for how their mouth expresses it to you. You are responsible, however, for your own heart and its expressions.<\/p>\n

Thankfully, Jesus, the very Word of God, died to give you a new heart (Jer. 31:31\u201334), one that longs to speak to your child in ways that reflect how your heavenly Father speaks to you.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

William P. Smith (PhD, Rutgers University; MDiv, Westminster Theological Seminary) is a pastor, author, and retreat speaker who has served several churches, been a faculty member of the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation, and taught practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary. He is the author of Parenting with Words of Grace (Crossway). You can follow him on Twitter and Facebook or get his podcast.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/section><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"featured_media":5035,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","tags":[],"portfolio_entries":[35],"class_list":["post-5025","portfolio","type-portfolio","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","portfolio_entries-english-writer"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/portfolio\/5025","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/portfolio"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/portfolio"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5025"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/portfolio\/5025\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5036,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/portfolio\/5025\/revisions\/5036"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5035"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5025"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5025"},{"taxonomy":"portfolio_entries","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ocbf.ca\/2019\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/portfolio_entries?post=5025"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}