The Difference Between Love and Lust

2 Samuel  13:1-22  (CLICK HERE FOR BIBLE VERSES)

Hi GAMErs,

Today’s passage is 2 Samuel 13:1-22.  As usual, I encourage you to open your Bible and read the passage yourself first.  See what you can glean with the Holy Spirit’s help. Then read the GAME sharing below.  Let’s go!

2 Samuel 13:1 (NIV)
¹ In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. 

On verse 1:  Verse 1 says that David’s son Amnon fell in love with her beautiful half sister Tamar.  But make no mistake about it.  What Amnon had for Tamar was not love but lust.  We’ll see the difference between love and lust clearly through this passage.

2 Samuel 13:2-5 (NIV)
²  Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
³  Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man.
⁴  He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”
⁵  “Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.'”

On verses 2-5:  Unable to have Tamar for himself, Amnon follows his crafty cousin Jonadab’s advice to deceive and take advantage of Tamar.  Be careful whom you get advice from, especially when you are not in your right mind or are struggling emotionally.  The wrong advice could be your undoing.  The right advice could save you.  How do you know whose advice to seek and whose advice to avoid?  Consider the character and experience of the person you’re thinking about consulting.

2 Samuel 13:6-14 (NIV)
⁶  So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”
⁷  David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.”
⁸  So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it.
⁹  Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. “Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him.
¹⁰  Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom.
¹¹  But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”
¹²  “Don’t, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing.
¹³  What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.”
¹⁴  But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

On verses 6-14:  Amnon uses deception to get Tamar in bed.  He pretends to be sick, requests Tamar to be the one to feed him in his bedroom and tries to turn it into an opportunity to have sex with her.  When Tamar refuses Amnon’s advances, Amnon rapes her, after which he sends her away.

Here we see the differences between love and lust:

Love is benefiting others at the expense of yourself.  Lust is benefiting yourself at the expense of others.

Love is about giving.  Lust is all about getting.

Love is focused on others.  Lust is self-centered.

Love listens to wisdom.  Lust cannot be reasoned with.

Love makes us want to do things the right way.  Lust makes us willing to use whatever means necessary to get what we want, even if it means sinning against God, lying to others, damaging them, or compromising our integrity.

Love is willing to wait.  Lust demands to have it now.

Clearly Amnon was acting out of lust, not out of love.  As a result, he ruined his half sister Tamar’s life and brought shame to himself and his entire family.

2 Samuel 13:15-18 (NIV)
¹⁵  Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”
¹⁶  “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” But he refused to listen to her.
¹⁷  He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her.”
¹⁸  So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her…

On verses 15-18a: Here we see what was truly in Amnon’s heart.  Amnon never really loved Tamar.  He just lusted after her.  That is why the moment Amnon got what he wanted from Tamar, he discarded her like yesterday’s garbage.  Most likely Amnon took the hate that he felt toward himself for what he did and redirected it toward Tamar.

2 Samuel 13:18-20 (NIV)
¹⁸ …She was wearing a richly ornamented robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore.
¹⁹ Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
²⁰ Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman. 

On verses 18b-20:  There are no words to describe the kind of emotional, psychological, relational, and spiritual torment a person goes through when they are sexually abused or raped.  We see this in Tamar – how she tore the robe that her dad King David had given her, a robe representing her purity (v18), how Tamar put ashes on her head and kept her hand on her head, signifying that the shame she felt from Amnon’s wicked actions was continual and ongoing (v19), and how Tamar did not marry but lived with her brother Absalom, battling emptiness and depression (v20).

If you have been the victim of sexual abuse or rape, perhaps like Tamar you have been asking, “Where can I get rid of my disgrace?” (v13)  Come to Jesus.  Jesus came to bring healing to even our deepest hurts and restoration to our greatest places of shame.  God’s heart is to give you honour in place of your disgrace.  As Isaiah 61:7 says:

Isaiah 61:7 (NIV) 
⁷ Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. 

2 Samuel 13:21-22 (NIV)
²¹  When King David heard all this, he was furious.
²²  Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.

On verses 21-22:  David was furious at what his son Amnon had done to his daughter Tamar, but it appears David did nothing beyond that.  There is no evidence that David reprimanded, punished or disciplined Amnon in any way.  Because David failed to adequately discipline Amnon, Absalom held a silent grudge against Amnon (v22) and likely toward David as well.  Absalom would eventually take matters into his own hands.  When fathers do not lead the way they should, it can result in their children taking matters into their own hands.

Father, thank You for showing me today the difference between love and lust.  Please help me God to live always in love and not in lust.  Thank You for Your Son Jesus who takes away my disgrace and empowers me so that I can walk in love.  In Jesus’ name, AMEN!

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